The 3 Types of Intimacy & the Science on How to Tap Into the Deepest One
It’s not sex or feelings, and most people don’t experience it at all.
Ever since I was a child, I’ve always been told that I’m “smart.”
The classic Asian overachiever, I disproportionately prioritized my mind in everything I did - including when it came to connecting with people. I prided myself with being a master of conversation - well-read and articulate.
What I didn’t realize was that I had given my mind so much control that 100% of my interactions with other people were filtered through it’s cumulated anxieties, insecurities, and involuntary conditioning. Looking back, I could see that this limited the intimacy in my connections to a small fraction of what I experience today.
It wasn’t my fault. I wasn’t actually aware that intimacy came in different forms than what could be achieved through words and sex. After all, I was raised in a very conservative Asian culture where intimacy was not discussed very much at all.
Then a few years ago, I had three experiences in quick succession that completely transformed the way I connect with people. All three were deeply intimate, but felt wildly different.
Ever the scientist, I dove into the research and discovered that each of those interactions had activated a different part of my brain and that I didn’t have to find these connections, I could recreate them at will.
Importantly, the science confirmed what I had intuitively sensed: one of those connections was significantly more powerful than the others, not just emotionally, but physiologically.
I recently wrote about the three experiences and the science behind the one that leads to the deepest attachment. If you are curious about what they are and want actionable tips on how to tap into the most powerful one, click on the buttons at the bottom of this post to read the full article. Here is a preview:
Something odd happened to me a few years ago, I met three different people named Damien in the same week.
As I telling a friend about each of these encounters, she kept getting them confused. So, I spontaneously came up with a nickname for each one which ended up being Robot Damien, Sensual Damien, and Empath Damien.
As we chuckled over the nicknames, I couldn’t stop wondering why my brain had chosen those specific words to describe each person. I had experienced a deep sense of intimacy in each of those connections, but they felt wildly different.
Eager to understand how I could recreate all three experiences, I applied my biomedical science training and dove into the research.
What I learned completely transformed the way I connect with people. I discovered that each of those interactions had activated a distinct neural pathway — and that I didn’t have to find these connections, I could recreate them at will.
Importantly, the science confirmed what I had intuitively sensed: one of those connections was significantly more powerful than the others, not just emotionally, but physiologically.
Different types of intimacy activate different parts of your brain
In the 1960s, neuroscientist Paul D. MacLean introduced a theory known as the “Triune Brain” — a model suggesting that different parts of the brain are primarily responsible for different types of functions. Simplistically, the main components of this triune model are the neocortex (thinking), limbic system (feeling), and the basal ganglia (instinctual/survival).
Each part governs a different way we experience and respond to the world.
People who are connecting from the “thinking” brain exchange information and ideas. People who interact through the “feeling” brain share emotions and empathy. People who interact from the “instinctual” brain share touch, eye contact, and body language.
Those distinctions were exactly what I had experienced with each of the Damiens.
The thinking brain and intellectual intimacy
Robot Damien was a founder and CEO at a robotics startup. That wasn’t the only reason I had coined the moniker. Though he shared deeply vulnerable information around his childhood, they were centered around the facts of what happened rather than the feelings he experienced.
Aware of his tendency to default to the intellectual, Robot Damien had been to several workshops and retreats to learn to connect on a more emotional level. But the new skills he learned tended to still be filtered through his analytical mind.
He later shared that his desire to be vulnerable combined with his need for perfectionism led him to build a “trailer” of his traumas — a rehearsed version of his struggles and insecurities, designed to sound authentic but carefully constructed.
While we both enjoyed the shared intellectual curiosity, there was a clear limit to how deeply we could connect. Damien acknowledged that he was missing an emotional vocabulary around feelings that limited his ability to connect more deeply.
The feeling brain and emotional intimacy
The opposite was true of Empath Damien. While he and Robot Damien shared similar childhood traumas, he was able to deeply articulate how it felt then and how it impacts him today with emotional nuance and depth.
As a therapist, he also asked insightful questions that were able to elicit a range of emotions that I didn’t even know I possessed. Every time we talked, I felt deep feelings and a sense of being truly seen. However, whenever we danced together, that easy flow was disconnected.
While he was comfortable with long embraces, arm touches, and prolonged eye contact, he was self-conscious in unscripted physical contact. It felt like our bodies were having an awkward conversation. It was a reminder that emotional closeness doesn’t always carry over to embodied ease.
The instinctual brain and somatic intimacy
I met Sensual Damien at an event specifically exploring intimacy through non-sexual touch. With specific instructions not to speak, we exchanged gentle exploratory touch and eye contact. As the feeling of intimacy and playfulness grew, we progressed to massages, cuddles, and deep presence.
Though I only interacted with Sensual Damien for less than 2 hours that time, it melted away months of stress and generated a closeness in a way that talking to Robot Dave and Empath Dave for weeks did not.
It was such a strong sense of catharsis that weeks later, I still felt a deep emotional safety and calm in my nervous system whenever I recalled the encounter. I wondered why that effect was so powerful, especially since I wasn’t starved for touch or sex when I met him.
I soon discovered what biologists and social scientists have known for decades: somatic intimacy — through touch, presence, and nonverbal connection — is the most powerful form of intimacy. It has a profound effect on our physiology, emotional regulation, and sense of belonging.
The power of somatic intimacy to form attachment
In 1958, Harry Harlow conducted the now famous Cloth Mother vs. Wire Mother experiment where infant rhesus monkeys were separated from their biological mothers and placed in cages with two surrogate “mothers.” One surrogate was made of wire and provided food, while the other was covered in soft terry cloth but did not provide food.
Here’s the startling conclusion — the baby monkeys overwhelmingly preferred the soft, cloth-covered surrogate, spending most of their time clinging to it for comfort, even though it did not provide food.
Harlow concluded that, from infancy, our bonds are not formed through survival needs alone but through the emotional comfort of physical contact. Touch isn’t a luxury — it’s a biological imperative.
This insight becomes even more powerful when viewed through the lens of the evolution of our brains. One thing I found fascinating in my research is that the three regions of the brain are not equal in age. The basal ganglia — the center of instinct and somatic experiences — is the oldest and most primal.
What makes somatic intimacy so powerful is that it bypasses thought and emotion, reaching straight into this most primal part of the brain. Research shows that gentle, non-threatening touch — like stroking, cuddling, or affectionate contact — activates the parasympathetic nervous system, the branch responsible for the body’s “rest and digest” state. This is the opposite of the “fight or flight” mode that many of us unconsciously live in every day.
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